This Is It.

I hate school so much. Lets just say that. I mean, don't get me wrong. Education is vital to our success when we all grow up. And going to school is great for your social health. But all I really go to school for is to run and see my friends. Other than that, I just want to graduate. Is that weird?

This morning made me jump inside a little. The morning chill reminded me that it's almost winter, and that track season would be starting soon. I knew I missed cross country. Granted, today was probably the easiest workout of my lift. But nothing compares to a morning of one hour full of jogging, talking, and laughing. It was greatly missed. And thankfully, it's back. Yes, practice will become hellish again and I'll feel like throwing up after track workouts. But nothing could ever make me want to quit or skip practice.
Unless I was sick. Or moving away.

Bored in healthscience, I decided to make my yearly fortune teller for the year. I'm quite proud of what I created during second period with all the limited resources I had. The outside looks horrible, like usual, but the inside is amazing. I themed each fate, sketched a little scenery for the spaces, and even got a [500] days of summer reference in there. Quite a success if you ask me.

If you haven't noticed quite yet, it's the little things that make me happiest. Give me some pipe cleaners, or some sort of shiny foil and it'll make my day.

Finishing my day with one of my most favorite movies, Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, really just helps me sleep with a smile on my face. If only life was really like that. If you could find your musical soulmate. Or something of the sort. Spend one crazy night together, searching for your favorite band, minus losing your drunk best friend in New York. But then again, that would just make things a little more interesting now wouldn't it?
But at the very end, when the two heroes of the story make their way to the subway after skipping the show, Norah doesn't get on the escalator.
Nick, confused, asks whats wrong.
Norah asks if he's disappointed that they missed "it". [the show. right?]
But Nick only shakes his head and says "we didn't miss it. this is it."

I hate being a writer sometimes. I hate being a sucker for words.
Because there are times I wish I could of said that.
And I know there are going to be a lot more times this year that I'll say it.
Where I'll be with the people I love. And realize.
That whatever we're doing. Wherever we are.
This.
Is.
It.

Three Hundred and Sixty Five [excluding leaps]

One year. One whole year.
Minus a day.

Jacob and I lasted three hundred and sixty four days. We hung on until today, where we stood, together. But apart.

On the twenty-ninth of November in 2008 I stood on my doorstep, completely confused. Receiving a random request over text message to come outside from him was strange to me. Something that ended up to be the start of something that would change who I was. And it's so crazy how different that night is from tonight.
Because a year ago tonight we went to see a movie. Go ice skate. Have an extremely awkward first kiss.

But tonight did not end horribly. No, it was not the most hellish of any break up there ever was. This was so mutual. So calm. We sat in my car [a 99' Jeep Grand Cherokee these days!] and, after his opportunity to examine the new interior and things, started discussing why, when, and how this all happened. Why I was the bad guy. Why he was not so innocent himself. Why things were said behind people's backs and how it was all because of shock. And misery. How we could of fixed it, but how logical and smart it was to do what we were doing tonight.
After all of this, we're still friends. We've come to terms with the fact that our relationship will never be the same. That we'll now see each other as brother and sister. That we'll still care. That the rumors will start flowing soon, so we'd better just change our status tonight on facebook.

Things like that. It was simple. It was okay. We're both okay.
Now to deal with those who aren't so happy about it.

Other than that, I have to say that Thanksgiving this year was a blast. I look foreword to break every school year. I love spending the whole week with my family. Talking about stuff. Eating a ton of food. Laughing. Shopping. The whole thing. Every day was amazing. From time of arrival, to dog eating the first turkey that was thawing on the floor, to time of departure. I love my family with all my heart. I hate to watch them leave.

Tomorrow will be no different. I'll wake up and be exactly who I am right now. I will not wallow in sadness, or be on an extreme high. I will simply get up and do what I do best.
Be the same person I've been for the last sixteen years of my life.
The crazy, out of control, spastic, yet silently mellow and laughable - me.

From Top to Bottom.

I'm going to be completely honest and say that this will most likely be my last blog post until the end of break. Or close to it. With my family coming to town, buying a new car, and working Black Friday, I just don't see where I'll have the time to settle down and write. Which makes me uneasy, but I can live without my little blogger for a few days.

Thanksgiving. Hm. I think of one thing. Food.
I have to say that after all the football, a short glimpse of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and the waiting, turkey on Thanksgiving is phenomenal. It just doesn't taste the same unless it's Thanksgiving day. Call me weird, but I just think that. I can't avoid just piling my plate high with some meat and potatoes, stuffing, casserole, family sauce [cranberry sauce for you losers out there who don't have an awesome name like 'family sauce' to call it] and everything else. The five different kinds of pies. The six different kinds of cookies. There is such a warm, jubilant feeling when the whole family is down here for the holiday.

I'm so happy I don't have to work again until Friday. Granted, Friday is Black Friday, but that's fine. I get to spend time with my family. That's the awesome part.

I guess attached with the idea of writing a Thanksgiving post I should write something I'm thankful for. Truth be told though, I'm thankful for a lot of things. So many things, that I suppose I should organize them into a list. So here we go.
I'm thankful for:

1. Family - Sometimes it gets tough, but I would never stop loving anyone in my family. Ever!
2. Friends - I don't have a lot, as a matter of fact I only have about two close ones. But they are what help me pick up through the day. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
3. Health/Home/Happiness/Freedom - In general, I'm just thankful to be alive and well. Grateful for my freedom and for democracy. And living under a roof :]

Looks like a short list, I know. However, I believe life should be simple. If you have life and love I believe you are ship-shape. Then there isn't anything you can't get through. There are so many things that have happened in the past or recently that I am very thankful for. But listing events and stuff like that would just be silly, now wouldn't it?

So, for whoever is reading this, a happy thanksgiving to you all! Enjoy your holiday, love your food and family, and remember to be thankful for something this season. No matter what it is, just make sure you're thankful for something!

The next time you hear from me, I'll be griping. Because I'll be so full from turkey. And so sad that break will be almost over...

When There Is Nothing To Say.

"It sure is."

I look at her in disbelief. She can't be serious. But with a big smile on her face, I'm almost certain that Teresa isn't lying to me.
103.7 Lite Fm is ALREADY PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC!

There is no way to describe the feeling this radio station gives me every year about this time. I get even more mellow and giggly when the holidays are around the corner. As it the nights grow frosty, I fall into bed and doze off to the sounds of Nat King Cole and Dean Martin with foggy glasses and a hot cup of tea. It's my absolute favorite way to fall asleep.

In the next couple of days, my family will be here for Thanksgiving. It'll be interesting to see how much my work schedule will allow me to spend time with everyone. There will be a lot of shopping. Laughing. Eating. Everything that vacations are to us. My cousins and I will go around town. Teresa will come over and we'll have that "jam-out" we've been talking about for so long. It's been forever since we both have strummed our guitars and sang together. The days will be warm and loud and full of whatever comes our way. Everything will be perfect.

And before the day is over, we'll also remember the car hunting done today. How my dream of having a pickup truck is becoming a reality. I'm thrilled to say I'm about to be the lucky driver of whatever we can find. We have one in mind, but I asked for one more day of looking before we decide on one. It's weird to make adult decisions like this. To go to car dealerships and test drive things and actually think about getting a car that I want! How weird.
But how weird that I'll have a car payment from now till the end of my junior year in college, huh?
Greatness.

With silver bells in my ears and a stupid grin on my face I'm bobbing to the beat of whatever song is on the radio. By the end of the season I'll have every word to most of these songs
memorized again. And I'll probably have longer posts to write. More meaningful things to say.

I'll probably have a better post tomorrow.
This is quite disappointing...haha.

Eyes Open.

In this room there is no light. There is no sound but the soft hum of the fan and clicking of keyboard type. The occasional jingle of tags as the dog scoots around the bed for comfort. There is nothing to see but a girl, wide awake. Tired eyes, wandering mind, and the laptop light that spills over the pillows and on to this person who can't seem to sleep.

Which would be me.

As exhausted as I can be at the end of the day, I have too much on my mind to allow my body to come to rest. iTunes surely helps with this issue, providing me with the mellow sound of steel guitar and drippy acoustics to lull me to sleep. However, most of the time this isn't even enough to soothe my thoughts till they surrender. That's where this blog comes in. But half of my mind belongs on here. Half of it doesn't. It's the way things go.

Rolled over, growling to myself, I close my eyes and see what could just be a blender of memories and mindset. I really should be focusing on the important, easy things that could lead my head to the pillow. I stay in the upright position though, staring straight to the ceiling. I take a deep breath and wriggle into some kind of position. I flop over. Say my prayers. Roll. Close those eyes.
And I don't even dream.

It's frustrating to sleep when you have dreams you can't remember. Or absolutely no dreams at all. It's hard to jolt awake very early in the morning, slathered in a cold sweat, teeth chattering, eyes blurry. It gets boring very fast trying to find something to do when you can't sleep. You want to listen to music, but that's too loud. You want to read, but that requires light. You want to talk to anyone, but it's much too late. As much as the night is wonderful, it comes with so many complications.

I'm thrilled to inform you though, that tonight shall not be such hard times. I am drunk off of friday night lights and open road. As soon as this is finished, I shall dive into a world of slumber and stillness. I will dream of nothing. But I will sleep so well. Surrounded by the moonlight and the cold of my room.

Football, by the way, played great tonight. What a way to end the game, winning by two point conversion. It's so fulfilling to drop everything and jump the gates to storm the field. You feel so free and amazed. All on this high from this sudden burst of school spirit. You can't help but breathe in the cold air and thrust those letters into the air. Rock to the alma mater and close those eyes again. Realize where you are. Dream while you still can.

So that girl who was laying in her room is still laying there, typing away on her computer. The blue and gold stripes of her hockey jersey are reflecting off of the keyboard as she finishes type. Her hair sticking straight up, eyes in a daze. She's done for the night. She's tired. She's done.
Anticipating break. Anticipating sleep. Anticipating everything that could happen this week.
Waiting for it all. Wondering about things.
Patience paying off for what might be in the end.

The Possible Frost.

I want to run away for a little while. My legs need to run, my eyes need to wander, my breaths need to be taken deeply. I'm thinking I need to go camping. Lay out in nature and feel the air rush over me. Climb the trees and listen to the rustle of the breeze. Stare up at the stars; the kind that look like tiny holes punched in the sky, illuminated fiber optic strings that dangle from the atmosphere above.

I need to be at peace.

Not to say that I'm in a mess right now. Really? I'm a mess all of the time. But there's a storm of everything going on inside right now. It's hard to live when you have these clusters of ideas that just will not leave. Some are issues, others problems, ideas, and emotions. I think being outside would help me clear everything out. Mentally clean myself up.

I will admit it. There was a night. Last week. The night of the crash. I collapsed on the floor. I crumpled into this pure mass of flesh and bone, withering under the weight of all I had been keeping in my mind. In my heart. And I was very afraid. And in the pitch darkness, illuminated by the single beam of light by my iHome, the tears began to fall. I choked into the phone words that didn't want to leave my mouth. I felt so cold on my bedroom floor. And for the first time I cried to someone over the phone. And it meant everything to me just to be able to do that.

Because I don't cry in front of my friends.
Not even on the phone.

But this whole thing isn't negative, or alluding to the fact that I'm depressed or anything. Oh no! I'm actually quite content for the time being. There have definitely been some things happening lately, some bad, others horrible, that have caused me to add to my nightly prayers. But other than that, life has being going very well. Things and people are improving. Certain situations are getting better. Others are staying the same. I'm ecstatic about some things. I'm loathsome about others. My junior year is getting back up, dusting itself off, and beginning again at a slight crawl. I'm getting helped along, and in turn I'm helping others. We're all in this long chain of arms around shoulders, supporting each other towards this unseen goal.
And we're very happy to do it.

I expect to feel that chill again. To have that seismic quake in my bones, feel that chatter in my teeth. Gleaming eyes into the gray abyss. I want to feel nature's smoke billow from my breath.

It's time...
For turkey :]

Here Comes Goodbye.

The way time moves so quickly..it baffles me. I remember so much that warm morning in June, awkwardly walking into my first cross country practice and sitting down on the turf. Explaining to coach that I would have to leave early for job training. Running that summer's first figure eights.

It all seems like yesterday.

The decision to join the cross country team would have to of been the best decision I've ever made in high school. Never have I felt so welcome. So "loved" in a sense.
These kids are my family. I feel so blessed to have been able to of spent every Monday through Friday with these teammates of mine. All the yawning. All the sweat. All the sun, wind, and rain. The jokes and the sorrow. The pain and the fear. The laughing and the smiles.
I wouldn't trade any of the memories for anything.

I'm so grateful to have been able to find a group of people who actually understand me, and who I don't mind spending my Saturday mornings-afternoons-evenings with. It's nice to know there's a group of people I can go back to, and there will be absolutely no drama, no yelling, no tears. Just good conversation. Good laughs. Amazing hours spent sometimes doing absolutely nothing. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather run Tree Farm with than these girls and guys.

Guys,

It's been an incredible past six months. Every moment has been amazing, every practice and meet have been great. Some people don't understand the feeling of being a runner, and I think we are so lucky to be able to not only run, but to find a family. To almost be forced together every morning. But we're willing to spend that time with each other.
We are the fighters at school. We are the underdogs. Those who go unnoticed.
The silent assassins.
Boys: you went out with a bang. Shot heard round' the world. Or at least the state of Texas. Especially for you seniors. You definitely made your mark. It doesn't mean anything, but the amount of pride I have for what you guys have done is immense. Great season. Heroes.
And of course, my girls. My how things have been amazing. So many things to say. From the locker room talks, to workouts, and everything in between. I don't hesitate to say that I've never felt so welcome as I have to what we crazy kids have committed to. I'm so proud to be your team mate. I'm so lucky to have you all as friends. We had a good run. Amazing season. No matter the outcome. I'm so happy to have been there.
Finally.

In the months ahead, I anticipate the track season. I can't wait to begin running again. To feel all that pain on the track. To shower before school. To be proud to be called "insane" again.
And seniors. I can't even begin to explain how much I'm going to miss you all. Nothing is going to be the same. I'm nervous about next year to see how we captains carry out the season.
The last pieces of the charter puzzle are leaving. The new legacies begin.

In the end, it's been amazing. Incredible. So hard to explain. And this is only me. I've only been running for one season. I've come too late. Sure, I've run track too, but it does not equate to the feeling I've gotten from spending all this time with the cross country team.
The recruitment started freshman year. I barely knew anyone.
My sophomore year I tried it out. Running club shook me up. Got me excited.
And I made a decision.
Something I never knew that would change my high school experience.
Forever.

That Old Open Road

It's extremely hard to describe how these past days have been. So full of pride and very emotional moments. From the highest of highs to the great depths of the lows, everything has just been an experience. And it's hard to start at one exact place.
So I guess I'll just start from yesterday.

My idea of a road trip is simple: friends who don't mind spending more than an hour together in the car, driving somewhere, talking and dancing, smiling and laughing the whole way. And that is exactly how yesterday's drive went. Sitting in the truck from 4:30 to 9:30pm, the four of us sat in that truck and talked. We texted the masses. I don't even know how many "that's what she said" jokes were made. We made videos. We took pictures. The insanity just goes on and on.
Watching the sun dip low beyond the horizon, the sky fade to black, and the stars shine so bright. Then stop for dinner, eat our fries and make remarks to each other. "Things aren't going to go so well tonight, m'dear" I say with a wink. We can't help but laugh hysterically in the bathroom. I look like I'm walking through the wardrobe to Narnia. Hard to explain, but it made so much sense! We shook the cab with techno beats and ate our puppy chow and Cap'n Crunch out of the box. Figured out our coach's last name spelled backwards is "Yehaek" [pronounced Yea-hawk].
And we get to the hotel, where we dump our bags, and get to the room. We mean to make our signs, honest, but we plug the iPod in instead and start dancing and filming. And the dancing was so hilarious, I haven't laughed that hard in forever. We even intercepted a friend from the hotel across the parking lot. We ran around and "partied" like we would. Took showers in shifts, and made a few more dirty comments before laying down to bed. I learned a few things before I went to sleep.
1) I can take more than one pill at a time without choking.
and
2) We have some serious enchilada lovers on our team.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up at six-thirty, grumbling and turning off the Blackberry that's buzzing next to my head. Waking up at seven-thirty, and being thoroughly disturbed as my bed mate rolls over, taking away all the heat that was on my body. I was very sad.
And after a breakfast of Texas-shaped waffles and hot coffee, we were off to the event of the day: the cross country meet. The state meet. The everything meet.

I was baffled by the size. There were tons of runners. An amazing amount of teams. Everything looked so official, from the starting gates, to the full color racing bibs and concession stands. And being ignored by the team and coaches tells you that this is serious.
Not that this didn't happen at the regional meet either. But it was for the best.
But the feeling was incredible.
You're standing at this chute. This starting area for the runners. Packed shoulder to shoulder, watching the occasional jog out, stretch, prayer. Your hands are sweating, and you're not even the one running. You catch the eye of one of your team mates out there. No smile. You give a look of belief. A look of strength. Because this takes a lot of courage. Fear will not be tolerated.
Arms out, hands up, gun shot. The boys take off and so do we. Sprinting this way and that, I've taken the job of fighting for our camera to get the good spot amongst crowds of people. They look dead, and tired. But it's only mile one, and that's the worst mile. And we split the group and my teammates and I head up this hill, steep and menacing. Sraddling the concrete barrier that separates this steepness from the thin trail on top. The crunch of the soft gravel below every one's spikes is in rhythm. The grit and dust rises, making a strange yellow haze. Then, sprinting to the finish, we get there just in time to watch our first boy....our second....our third....and the list goes on and on. No kick. No passion in the expressions. Just. Pure. Pain.
They look horrific. They look zombie-esque. They just don't look right. The way our best runner is flopping over like a limp noodle makes your stomach churn.

But then you get that call.

And in that strange, blazing November heat, you hear something like a miracle. You hear the news in advance.
You hear their place.
You hear what these boys have done.
You hear they placed third.

And again, in that strange, blazing November heat, I felt like passing out. I was in a daze. I was so purely amazed at these seven boys that did so much to get here. That fought and spent hours. The blood, sweat, and tears that have all been put into this.
All to add up to this state performance.
To watch these Redhawks fly. To see the true colors of red, silver, and black never run. They never bleed. They stand bold and true. And I'm so proud to be a part of something that has truly changed my life.
These boys are my brothers. Whether they like it or not.
And I get so stupid just thinking about it.
Because it's amazing.

Lunch, and the ride home would have to be a different story. We had so much fun. The talking, the eating, the almost falling asleep, but waking up very quickly. I'm even talking to some people I met on the highway. What a long story. But it's quite humorous.

You can't help but be so much closer to the people you travel with. We didn't want to go home. We wanted state weekend to last forever. We wanted to relive the moments over and over again.
But reality says we must wait another year. Reality says that we all have families to go back to.
Alex says the whole team should go camping soon.
Everyone agreed.

I'm so exhausted. I need some coffee in the morning. I need to sleep.
It seems that I've learned so many things this weekend.
And tomorrow brings a whole day more of possibilities.

Crash.

It all happened so fast.
But I can remember everything that went on in those few seconds before. The few moments after. Something that doesn't happen everyday to everyone. Just a select few.
Today was my day.

Going northbound towards the city I had no thoughts in my mind whatsoever other than the prospect of a new dress for the weekend and the conversation currently being held with the passenger. That girl. My sissy.
I can faintly remember that face I saw out of the corner of my eye. My hands gripped the wheel and I prayed, pedal to the floor, hoping those breaks would come through. I had no time to think. She yelled. I'm almost positive I said something obscene before it happened. The car lurched. Lights passed. The color left my face. And we collided.

The feeling of hitting something so solid. There was a shockwave of tension from the seat belt throughout my whole body. Head jerked foreword, and hands never left the wheel. My heart rate climbed to the sky. After shock settled in, I began to panic. First thought: I'm still alive. Second: Is she okay? I turned to see a just as shocked as I was girl in the passenger seat, knees to her chest, arms out wide. Teresa was perfectly okay. Just in shock. So was I. Thank God.
Third thought: I can't believe we just got in an accident.
Then. I thought license and registration.
After hasty words and extremely shaky hands, I sifted through my wallet and glove box. I got out to assess the damage. The red and blue appeared. One big Suburban with flashing lights my father would later go on to describe as "a rave lookin thing". Her mother arrived. My parents did too. They guy I hit was unprepared and, because it was his fault, was probably pretty mad.
Teresa and I leaned against the car and joked with my parents, trying to throw off these feelings of shock and sickness.
We didn't tow my car. My dad drove it home. It's in bad shape. But nothing we can't fix.
No new dress for me. And I didn't care.
As the truck pulled into the garage, I could only try and breathe. I got out of the car, and Teresa fell into my arms. "I'm so sorry," was all I could say. She said it wasn't my fault. And truthfully, it really wasn't. He was in the wrong. He's the one who got the ticket.
But what if those airbags had gone off? What if we hadn't of been okay?
I couldn't live with that.
So thank God for the fact that we're alright.

I'm so uneasy tonight because of so many things. Not just because of my first accident.
If I fall asleep it will be by amazing grace. There is no consoling me tonight. I'm too tired and crazed to be thinking. But after coffee with sissy in the morning, I'll walk into school tomorrow with my same face. I will not be weak. I will take every moment and take breaths every second I get. I'll apologize to those who need it. I'll pack and plan. And tomorrow evening I'll set out on the road with the girls. And I'll sit in the backseat of that pickup truck. I'll relax.
And the world will keep turning.

thank you so much. just. thank you.

The Perfection of Certian Things.

NyQuil really does some funny things to you. I'm restless and thoughtful. It really puts me in this medicinal high of numbness and warmth. It burns all the way down, and sizzles in the pit of your stomach. I've never gone to sleep so fast. It helps some nights.

Lately, things have been getting a little harder. Every day brings on it's new challenges, and I swear I've never dealt with so many things at once. It prevents me from sleeping a lot of nights. It makes me want to renew that addiction to that NyQuil and drink it every night until I sink into my bed and stay oblivious to the world around me. But that's not good for anything. That's weakness. It shows nothing.
I really believe that this trip to Round Rock this weekend is coming at such a perfect time. I think that getting away, even just for a night, and spending it with some of my favorite people, will really make thinking easier. Being able to just look out of a window that isn't mine, watching the world from a different place. I've always loved that.
However, home can never be beat.
I feel like something is really different. Like these autumn winds of change are bringing more than their crisp colors and cooler weather. Something isn't the same. And I really don't know how to feel about it. It's almost strange to me that there is this empty feeling. I have no idea what to think. It's a little frightening.
I don't know if I'm ready quite yet.
The mind and heart are so confused and tangled in a big mess of feeling, I have no idea what to do for either of them. It's really frustrating.

And I'm thoroughly convinced that God has brought us together for a certain purpose. That of which I am not sure of right now. But all of these similarities... and all of the circumstances..they all just fit so perfectly. Wouldn't you agree?

In other news: the District V LDE competition was tonight. My PR girls and I placed second overall, and will be competing in the Area LDE competition on the 21st. Ladies, you have no idea how proud I am to be a part of our group. We did great tonight!
To wear the blue and gold. That corduroy jacket with my name etched on the front. I thought it wouldn't feel this way, but I'm actually proud to wear official dress. To be a part of something that no one would expect you to be. The awkwardness of black tights and high heels. The random comments from the crowd about the way you look. It's nice. And I'm proud.

I'm just about to fall asleep to Rascal Flatts. The songs that make me want to cry the most are the songs that put me to sleep the best. I don't know why. I guess when I look up at the stars, I see memories. And I see the secrets I've kept up there forever. And I do nothing but smile. Remember who I've become. And can't wait to see what will happen in the future.

Warm Milk and The Moon.

I so want to be in bed right now.

I'm so burnt out from homework, and from this weekend. I'm feeling so sick. I'm stuck in the corner of my room, watery eyes and bleary vision. I want to go to bed so badly. But I can't.

I guess I shouldn't really be writing. But I could really care less. I suppose when you love something, like writing, so much, you just can't stop from doing it. I'm so addicted to these words and these feelings of ticking keys under the tips of my fingers. So used to being able to say things that are just so difficult to vocalize. Such a passion.

Well, while I have time, I may as well address the situation of Saturday. I feel like I didn't adequately tell the tale of the grandest feat I probably have ever witnessed before me in the world of something I was involved in, sports wise. These boys, these crazy, wonderful, magnificent, and so many other kinds of adjectives that are used to describe pure greatness began this race with passion. I could see it in their somewhat distant faces. From far down the starting chute, I could feel this reverb of faith from so many different teams. But the shockwave that was Liberty seemed to hit the deepest. Regionals was a fight. I've never seen such thick competition since the NikeTeamNationals last year. But the way our boys came out to play...it was a show. I've never yelled so hard. I haven't felt my face get that hot with rising blood since summer. To feel all my muscles tense and my teeth gnash as I'm telling these boys to haul everything they have to the finish. Witnessing such power and strength at the finish line was one of the most powerful things to see all season.
And with a first place win, I have to say that none of it was wasted.
It was a pride and joy thing. It was the daybreak through the clouds.
It was the prospect of state looming in the distance.

There's this eerily hypnotic, magnetic pull towards my bed. I feel like crawling in. I feel like setting my laptop down and bundling up in this scraggly, unmade pile of sheets and comforter that hasn't been made all day. Still messy from last night's, no doubt, full of action sleep session.

What can I say, I move when I sleep. I don't think my dog minds. He moves a lot too.
Thankfully I haven't discovered him sleeping in my pillow again.
That's always fun to wake up to.

My eyes are rolling. It's a wonder I'm typing so fluidly still. Thank goodness for spell check.

There is one thing I want right now. [well. other than to go to bed.]
I want to see the stars. I want to sleep under that blanket of stars. To be suffocated by the night sky that is what I remember from the late days at Lake Powell.
I want to be sleeping on the roof of the houseboat, soft water rocking the edges of the boat, lapping on the edges of the canyon rocks, the steady hum of the crickets and animals about. To see so little black. So much glowing silver and white. See that one shooting star. The ones that look like fire in the sky. So amazing.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I need to sleep.
I suppose I'll force myself to go to bed. Even though I still have work to do.
Tomorrow will just have to be a stressful day.
But as long as I'm surrounded by the people I love, doing the things I love,
well. Then I suppose everything will be just fine.

Dirty Little Secret.

Three glorious Saturdays. No idea how much pride and joy is flowing through my veins right now. My eyes went teary from the moment I saw our coach jump around like the kid she is inside. It was amazing just to see our team come together and be amazing like that. Our boys blasted that competition. I'm still a little speechless.
My thoughts on a road trip with these girls were really confirmed today. I believe that if we were to be on the road together, for over fifty miles, most definitely we would get either lost, robbed, or killed. But that's said in a lighthearted tone.
But we're going to state. And that's the best kind of road trip there is.
For now.
But these past few Saturdays spent with some of my favorite people have been spectacular. So many stories, so many memories made with these kids. And I'm so thankful to be a part of it.
I have to say that if we all do go to Austin together, things will never be the same. We are, I believe, by far the tightest knit program in all of Liberty's athletics teams. And a road trip for us, especially with the seniors we have, would probably just be the pinnacle of the season.
If I am ever bold enough as to write my own life story into a small book of interesting stories, then I'm sure I will have chapters to tell. A lot of it will be little frivolous twists and tales that no one would ever know. But some would be very meaningful.
Maybe they would be a poem or something. I don't know. The prose is still undecided.
Wait. Whoa. So am I now planning to write an autobiography?
Certainly not. Oh no. I make myself laugh.
The things I have discovered, been told, told others. I've had my thoughts in a whirlwind, grasping so many concepts in one sitting. But guess what? I absolutely love doing that. Finding out things about others. And telling people about myself. Growing and changing. Chauffeuring next year's seniors down the road to graduation, while we ourselves are becoming tomorrow's departed. It's amazing. And a little frightening.

Apart from that, my weekend has been far from bland. And with the new regional champions, we also have our district triumphants. Lil' sis, you've done amazing. District champions. I can only imagine what you guys will do as freshmen.

And as one last word, I have to say, that life would never be the same without people in a car.
Just sayin'.

These Lights Are Killing Me.

There's a blatant glare shining off of the screen of the television sitting next to me on the only AV cart available that night at the high school. I'm awkwardly standing between two other girls, clutching my paintbrush and script. I lick my lips of dryness, the fluorescent lights searing into my glasses lenses.
"Ready...Go."
As I go on to begin our spiel, saying something about how Webster defines the word "innovation" as a new idea, novelty, blah blah blah, I space out. My thoughts wander. My tunnel vision broadens and my world opens up. I take a breath.
And I see.
Really, there was no revelation in my mind. I was really just thinking of things other than our FFA public relations practice. I was thinking about recent things. About growing up. About changing.
I think about the vanilla cupcake coffee from quiktrip I had this morning for breakfast. Thinking about all the talking, all the listening, all the smiles, laughs, and one five minute segment of slight tears. How every second, even though some of them have been sad, or stressful, I have loved.
And now I'm thinking that this is the most random, unneeded post I have ever written.
No use pressing the backspace button now.
Despite the troubles I'm going through, I'm so thrilled about how my junior year has developed. I'm so amazed at how cross country made my year amazing. How the people I've met, the friends I've made, and the relationships I've developed have just meant so much to me.
It's truly too early for this kind of a post in the school year.
But it's flowing, so I'm not going to try and stop it.
I'm happy. For the most part.

Hooray for Friday. I'll be going to quiktrip again. This time getting two coffees. This time, I'll show up late to first period. With full permission by my first period teacher.
This time, I won't look like a mess [even though I was perfectly okay with it].
I'll spend time with my best friends. And maybe try to stay awake in class.
My junior year has progressed, so far, into something I would of never thought it would be.
Awkward, amazing, and very stressful.
And I'd never have it any other way.

15 Bottles of the Dark Type.

I'm impressed with this collection of beer bottles I've acquired from my father over the past few months. Call me strange, but I love the look of them. They're all just as interesting as the liquid inside of them. Some bitter. Others wonderfully sweet.
I really hope I brew my own some day.
But that's besides today's point.

It's been better. Most days are just relaxing and boring beyond belief when it comes to school work. Now, really, I could of fallen back in my chair during AP Language, and I swear Physics will be the death of me. Today was just stressful. Today, I needed time. To think. What I really wanted to do was take a good walk along Tree Farm with whoever would want to join for a quick thought discussion. I was ready for a good talk.
But school does not offer such pleasantries.
And that lunch date didn't exactly go as planned. But that's perfectly alright. Because I'm showing up tomorrow morning for late breakfast. And all three of us are going to discuss life in the current tense.
Exactly what I need. I love talking to these two people.
I'm having a hard time getting used to this. I've never had someone help me before. Through troubles. I'm so used to being the backboard to someones adventures. So ready to brace a fall.
And now I have to be equal with the person I'm "walking" with. Because we're both experiencing issues. And we're both providing backup.

It's a new feeling. Why does fall always seem to get to me? Something always changes in the autumn months. I guess this is it.
But it's a wonderful thing.

I've decided to show up to school tomorrow in an honest mess. Or looking like one at least.
And believe me when I say, that I'll like it that way.



and by the way. I just checked it out. and I can't link with you because it's a different website than this. but oh wow. child, you amaze me :] very proud to be your friend.

The Passing Time.

I'm looking in the mirror, and what I see hasn't changed one bit. I see the same, somewhat matured and awkward looking thing I've been looking at for a few years now. It's just gotten a little thinner since freshman year.
And she says I'm different.
I state my case, saying that junior year has really just been one stressful cluster of events, which she describes as "real life". Really though, if I'm the short, hard to talk to teenager she says I am, then I must not be looking at myself the right way.
I guess I'm having perspective issues.
But that aside, I have other things on my mind. I'm trying to pick my guitar back up and play through the dusty November evenings when there's no homework to do. I'm reconnecting. I'm in constant contact with a few people. Okay. More like two. But that's a lot for me.
This feeling of sitting in the middle of an iced over pond is strange to me. It's slick and dangerous all around me. I've somehow managed to get myself right into the center of all this problematic area. Oh, how weird it feels.
I'm feeling detached to some people, and very near others. It's another strange, spacious feeling.

Please. Please don't give up. You're making progress. Your world won't end. I promise you I'll be there till you need me no more. Be persistent. I will never let you fall back. Ever.

I wish I had something fun to write about. But I don't. I'll probably have something to write about tomorrow though.
I'm assuming this lunchtime date I have an invitation to tomorrow should be quite splendid.

This Is Halloween.

Still lost.
After all of this time. I find myself caught in that same room I did in January. Only this time, it's with another friend of mine. I sit across from her and listen to her stories. I hear her voice crack. I see the strain in her motions.
I know that this hurts.
And witnessing that hurts me too. A lot.
Because, unlike before, we're actually in person. Face to face. Just. Talking.
It took all I had not press my face against the window and breathe hot air onto the window. Not because I have short attention, but because I needed a way to think. Breathing just seems like a good method of choice.
So bad. So bad, I wanted to help her. And I don't know if I did or not. She says I did, and I believe her, but I don't know how much it did help. And I just hope that she's doing alright.
One week. That's all. One week. And it's been a crazy week full of texts and conversations and spending whole Saturdays together. It's been just that.
And by fate we were brought together at probably the best time. We're very similar people. But we're also different. It clicks though.
It's very dark. Halloween night dark. Hands on her face, she rubs her forehead and thinks. I want to tell her it's going to be okay. And I do. And I very much so want everything to work out. And truth be told, I really believe it will be. I think that things will work out.
I really believe in her.
Because this kid's a fighter. She pushes the limits. She's confident much more beyond her wildest thoughts. She's so much more than she realizes. So much more.
I just want one little candle in this obscurity. One little flickering wick that will help show the way.
One day, there will be.
That day will be soon.

"Life is never easy. Life is never perfect. It's not what life is to us. It's not worth blaming. It's all about how we handle it. The challenges we're faced with. And how we destroy those barriers that lead to something more than ourselves."
- January Post, 2009

I'm talking directly to you now. And believe me when I say that I believe. I really do. And I think you know I do. Take this slow and don't worry. You can do this. I know you can. Don't ever give up on this. I'll be there when you need me, be away when you don't.

This halloween was definately one for the books; probably the best halloween of my life.
Not going to lie.
It's late. I'm going to shut my journal and look out the window.
Wonder whether or not my car has been vandalized again...
and watch the full moon shine with all of it's brightness outside.
Halloween. One day of the year where you don't have to be who you always are.
But then again. That's every day.