Free At Last, Free At Last.

I'd finish that epic quote, but I'm feeling it's not needed.
Thank goodness I'm free.
Well. Sort of.

The winter break is speeding by at an alarming rate, and really, I don't mind. All of this snow, and being cooped up inside, all this sleeping in, and all this working? Well...it was nice for the first few days. But the monotony of things is starting to get to me. I'm off all week, and I can't visit anyone before the new year except for a select few.
I do admit, I did get myself into a lot of trouble. Quite a sticky mess if you ask me. Not good at all. But I'm recovering from it. I'm slowly but surely building my reputation around here again.
But this snow keeps falling, and the air keeps freezing, and my mind is idle. I could care less about the homework, care less about everything really. I've got a car payment made, I've got things to wrap, people to see, a new year to welcome in. I'm so tired. And I've been using my days to sleep. A lot. I'm no longer in this depressive state. More of just a tired, 'I'm done' sort of place. I'm ready to make people happy again. But I wish I could be happy at the same time.
I mean, believe me. Oh goodness, am I happy. Very happy with so many things.
But this break was nothing of what I expected. I suppose the first couple of days was everything I wanted. Christmas was great too. I love spending that day with my family. I love spending days here. But this break just wasn't what I wanted.
Without the ability to blog or force myself to do homework [most of it being online], I've felt kind of empty. I've felt disconnected. I've spent my days sleeping in, taking scalding hot showers, and staring into the gray horizon as I watch the rain turn to ice. I've been clicking my tongue, chewing my cheek, trying to figure out what to do with myself. I've become a temporary insomiac, wandering the house with my sister in the early hours of the morning, talking over apple juice and the dull light of an itouch. Being lulled to sleep by the likes of Bob Seger and Norah Jones because their music can soothe my savage feelings of stiff anticipation and boredom.

I never knew that when I lit that torch last Wednesday, I would be burning up the rest of my break. That I would be throwing my plans into the fire. Searing every last thread of it all.
It made me feel so sick inside.
And now that I've thrown out some apologies, and gotten responses back, I'm feeling a little better about myself. I'm patching up and trying to repair. Trying to become what I once was. But I've hurt a lot of people, and I've drug many through this mess. I hate that. But I'm going back to the way it was.

I even got my hair cut today. I'm back to looking...somewhat clean :]

I'm so lost, but so found. I'm settling back in to reality.
The winter break is pretty much over.

But the freeze has only begun.

It's unbelieveable. I can't seem to find the words. The subtle reminders. The pen and the paper. It all comes together so perfectly. Who knew it would come to this? Who knew this would happen? Who knew it would end up this way, so crazy. I'm about to get all cliche..so I'll stop while I'm at it. All I can say..is that I think I've finally found the candle in that dark room. I'm no longer looking through the window. I've stepped inside.