The fact that it was even snowing this evening after school just astounds me.
Nicolle and I pulled up to the Whataburger drive thru and examined the icicles that hung from her side mirrors. Laughed at how freezing it was and how lame the guy behind the headset really was. Ice dotted every inch of the car. It crunched all over the concrete of Custer. The small flurries stuck in our hair as we let our heads hang out into the cold, dark air. The sky was an odd gray and white swirl. It was truly a Texas winter day.
I have to say that I'm proud to have been there, at the school, for that win against Centennial's basketball team. Our boys pulled it out to the finish. And even though we had many attempts at poking fun at the other school [the newspapers, rushing the court, etc.] it was still the best basketball game I've been to in awhile.
I'm happy to say sleep is no longer hard to come by. I fall deep with the same playlist at my side every night. I'm wrapped in thick notes and measures. Instrumentals and syrupy vocals that douse me in the weight of the world. It presses me to close my eyes. Make the world disappear. But my dreams are still as messed up as ever. They can't decide what they want to be. Every night I debate with myself over these strange color schemes and subliminal messages that I can't quite figure out. I enter a world of complete unfamiliarity. It's quite a fragile state, I should say. It's hard to keep your cool at three in the morning when you wake up to realize your actually in reality, and that was all but real.
The dark side of the moon is beginning to reveal itself.
Someone has a decision to make. Soon.
The situation isn't easy. But they're almost an adult.
They're ready to do this.
I've never found anything to be more truer than this -
The little things happen every single day.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sleepyhead.
Look up, and you're bound to see it.
That mysterious ring around the moon.
It's ice. Surrounding our nightlight with shimmering
crystals of water and light.
And other than a copper moon, or a cross country sunrise-
it's the most beautiful natural thing I've witnessed with my own eyes.
I end this day in this same room. I'm contemplating finishing homework. Or jumping on the trampoline. I'm reading things. Remembering things. Scratch my flyaway black hair and blink under the yellow-hued light in my room. I stare down at my hands. The vein system that runs from my wrists to my palms, and on top of these two things are popping out from under the skin. For some reason they seem to be a crazy dark blue. They're so bright and bulging. I can't help but spend minutes looking at every little track. Follow each with my fingers.
It's the little things in life that make me wonder.
I also experienced something new today. Acetylene poisoning is horrible. My rig backfired on me today while I was preparing to cut some metal, and I inhaled pretty deep. I've never felt such a tight, nasty feeling in my abdomen as I shivered and licked my dry lips, hoping to free myself of nausea. I had never tasted straight acetylene in my life. But today I did. And it's quite nasty.
I wasn't poisoned though. I was close.
But I have come to learn, today, that breathing in fumes like that can mess you up.
And it's no fun.
I'm still getting haunted.
The dark corners of my room have not left me alone quite yet.
And now, I shall be going to sleep.
I have a day to think about.
Practice to plan.
Things to dream of.
Letters to write.
And things to do. In general.
If only all of them could work. All at the same time.
That mysterious ring around the moon.
It's ice. Surrounding our nightlight with shimmering
crystals of water and light.
And other than a copper moon, or a cross country sunrise-
it's the most beautiful natural thing I've witnessed with my own eyes.
I end this day in this same room. I'm contemplating finishing homework. Or jumping on the trampoline. I'm reading things. Remembering things. Scratch my flyaway black hair and blink under the yellow-hued light in my room. I stare down at my hands. The vein system that runs from my wrists to my palms, and on top of these two things are popping out from under the skin. For some reason they seem to be a crazy dark blue. They're so bright and bulging. I can't help but spend minutes looking at every little track. Follow each with my fingers.
It's the little things in life that make me wonder.
I also experienced something new today. Acetylene poisoning is horrible. My rig backfired on me today while I was preparing to cut some metal, and I inhaled pretty deep. I've never felt such a tight, nasty feeling in my abdomen as I shivered and licked my dry lips, hoping to free myself of nausea. I had never tasted straight acetylene in my life. But today I did. And it's quite nasty.
I wasn't poisoned though. I was close.
But I have come to learn, today, that breathing in fumes like that can mess you up.
And it's no fun.
I'm still getting haunted.
The dark corners of my room have not left me alone quite yet.
And now, I shall be going to sleep.
I have a day to think about.
Practice to plan.
Things to dream of.
Letters to write.
And things to do. In general.
If only all of them could work. All at the same time.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Touching Nothing.
It's times like this where I just sit and wonder. I want to perch on top of the fence, or slat myself between two branches at the top of a tree. Lay down and think. Stop staring at my hands and start looking into the future. I'm tired of running around this same circle, hoping for something different, but always coming back to the exact same thing I started with.
Sounds a lot like track, doesn't it?
But I'm so in love with the sport, you could never coax me to hate it.
I'm dreaming. In short, almost painful spurts I am. It comes and goes. Feels like needle pricks. Just short and prodding. I see colors. So many colors. Not many people. Not many things. But when I do see people, or things, it's for fleeting moments. Such sightings that jerk me up in the middle of the night. Cold with sweat. Skin prickling with tingling anticipation - all for things that will never happen.
And I appreciate practice so much for the fact that I'm on a tight schedule. Getting up early, running, channeling the energy built up with these little episodes in my head.
I try to stop.
But it just won't go away.
I'm haunted everywhere. It's like a spirit. Like a ghost [such an appropriate, ironic description]. The dark corners of my room store whatever evils won't leave my mind. They harness my deepest thoughts and intoxicate them, inoculating them with memories and emotion.
And thinking about it - this makes it sound like I believe there are monsters under my bed. But I don't. I only believe in the existence of meandering thoughts that refuse to let go.
I guess the hard part is being forced apart.
Sounds a lot like track, doesn't it?
But I'm so in love with the sport, you could never coax me to hate it.
I'm dreaming. In short, almost painful spurts I am. It comes and goes. Feels like needle pricks. Just short and prodding. I see colors. So many colors. Not many people. Not many things. But when I do see people, or things, it's for fleeting moments. Such sightings that jerk me up in the middle of the night. Cold with sweat. Skin prickling with tingling anticipation - all for things that will never happen.
And I appreciate practice so much for the fact that I'm on a tight schedule. Getting up early, running, channeling the energy built up with these little episodes in my head.
I try to stop.
But it just won't go away.
I'm haunted everywhere. It's like a spirit. Like a ghost [such an appropriate, ironic description]. The dark corners of my room store whatever evils won't leave my mind. They harness my deepest thoughts and intoxicate them, inoculating them with memories and emotion.
And thinking about it - this makes it sound like I believe there are monsters under my bed. But I don't. I only believe in the existence of meandering thoughts that refuse to let go.
I guess the hard part is being forced apart.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Ropes.
Been here. Done this.
I'm a wreck sometimes.
Although, things are sailing along.
I'm the fat kid in gym class caught in his jump rope. The guitar out of tune.
Awkward, but in place.
Overly spastic, but much needed in a world of seriousness and sorrow.
The highlights of my day would include everything from practice to lunch.
Yes. Practice to lunch. And everything in between.
But solemnity has washed over me.
I'm tired and thrown in.
What do I do?
No song can answer this.
For the first time I find that music hasn't brought forth an obvious answer.
The universe wants me to solve my own problems for now.
How strange.
- This was my most recent journal entry for history class. It answered a question. I thought it elaborate, but short and to the point. Does that make any sense? You decide:
When you have hit your absolute low, when you can't speak, think, let alone eat the way you usually do...when there is no hope, and sleeping is the only time of day you look forward to.
I'm a wreck sometimes.
Although, things are sailing along.
I'm the fat kid in gym class caught in his jump rope. The guitar out of tune.
Awkward, but in place.
Overly spastic, but much needed in a world of seriousness and sorrow.
The highlights of my day would include everything from practice to lunch.
Yes. Practice to lunch. And everything in between.
But solemnity has washed over me.
I'm tired and thrown in.
What do I do?
No song can answer this.
For the first time I find that music hasn't brought forth an obvious answer.
The universe wants me to solve my own problems for now.
How strange.
- This was my most recent journal entry for history class. It answered a question. I thought it elaborate, but short and to the point. Does that make any sense? You decide:
When you have hit your absolute low, when you can't speak, think, let alone eat the way you usually do...when there is no hope, and sleeping is the only time of day you look forward to.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Cosmic Dreaming.
It happened so suddenly.
I picked up my chirping little chickadee from school. All smiles, dancing in the rain, as I chased behind her and laughed. The crossing guard, which I would think of fondly hours later, smiled and giggled along - a woman who we've known for some years now.
I would of never guessed.
The message of death is never easy. It is never expected, no matter how long awaited or how much of a surprise. But those three words, so simple and quick, resonated within me so hard. I crumpled in bed that night, holding myself in the darkness and praying. Just praying.
Two deaths. That makes two this school year.
I don't take loss lightly. I just don't.
The funeral tonight finalized everything. I learned so much about a man I knew only little these past six years. The words of praise and reminiscence were beautifully delivered on that stage tonight. Both times, as the casket was passed down the aisle, I stopped breathing. When asked to rise before the service began, the silence choked me. It pressed on my chest and sucked every last bit of air out of my lungs. I was drowning in the nothingness of sound and thick emotion. I felt like such a fool as they dismissed the mass. As the hearse was loaded I stopped breathing again. I turned away. I wanted to go back to the bus and lay down in my seat. I wanted to heave a hard cry for a man I did not know.
I can only ask so much. I want so much for a family that has lost something so dear to them. No matter how hard his last couple of months may have been, he was a father and a man of faith. And from what it sounds, everything God could of asked for, and so much more.
If only there could be an easier way to do that. To take a person. To send them into eternal everlost and light.
But the night does funny things. I've heard of being drunk on aluminum, and drunk on cheese [dad?] but I've never heard anyone else other than me talk about being drunk on nightfall. Feel the rain hit your skin, listen to it dribble down the windows and tap on the concrete. Listen to words you thought would never be said. Cold hands and icy eyes.
Mr. Seger, you have done it again. Proved to me that, most definitely it is "funny how the night moves."
Indeed sir. How funny it really is.
I picked up my chirping little chickadee from school. All smiles, dancing in the rain, as I chased behind her and laughed. The crossing guard, which I would think of fondly hours later, smiled and giggled along - a woman who we've known for some years now.
I would of never guessed.
The message of death is never easy. It is never expected, no matter how long awaited or how much of a surprise. But those three words, so simple and quick, resonated within me so hard. I crumpled in bed that night, holding myself in the darkness and praying. Just praying.
Two deaths. That makes two this school year.
I don't take loss lightly. I just don't.
The funeral tonight finalized everything. I learned so much about a man I knew only little these past six years. The words of praise and reminiscence were beautifully delivered on that stage tonight. Both times, as the casket was passed down the aisle, I stopped breathing. When asked to rise before the service began, the silence choked me. It pressed on my chest and sucked every last bit of air out of my lungs. I was drowning in the nothingness of sound and thick emotion. I felt like such a fool as they dismissed the mass. As the hearse was loaded I stopped breathing again. I turned away. I wanted to go back to the bus and lay down in my seat. I wanted to heave a hard cry for a man I did not know.
I can only ask so much. I want so much for a family that has lost something so dear to them. No matter how hard his last couple of months may have been, he was a father and a man of faith. And from what it sounds, everything God could of asked for, and so much more.
If only there could be an easier way to do that. To take a person. To send them into eternal everlost and light.
But the night does funny things. I've heard of being drunk on aluminum, and drunk on cheese [dad?] but I've never heard anyone else other than me talk about being drunk on nightfall. Feel the rain hit your skin, listen to it dribble down the windows and tap on the concrete. Listen to words you thought would never be said. Cold hands and icy eyes.
Mr. Seger, you have done it again. Proved to me that, most definitely it is "funny how the night moves."
Indeed sir. How funny it really is.
Hurricane Drunk.
I have to say this has been the most refreshing first day of track season yet.
No walls. Can keep me protected. No sleep. Nothing between me and the rain.
Truthfully, I've felt much stronger as a runner than today. But running figure eights for the first time in weeks really helps my mental health. I've been backed up against a wall for the past few weeks, and getting to pound out a few hills seems to have started to clear my mind. I forget how amazing it is to wake up and listen to the birds, smell the grass. Watch the sun rise in the distance as it paints the sky with miraculous colors that only an artist could dream of.
And you can't save me now. I'm in the grip of a hurricane. I'm gonna blow myself away.
And it's a strange feeling, watching the others hustle around you to get ready for school. It's weird merging with the morning rush to go home for a little while. Late arrival won't be with me for very long, but it's intoxicating poison has already started seeping into my bloodstream. I better see my counselor soon!
And now I'm getting hungry...
I brace myself. Cause I know it's going to hurt. But I'd like to think, at least things can't get any worse.
For now, I'm content. I'm alright. I can see dust on the horizon starting to bounce and swirl with activity. I know there is something coming. I just don't know what. Or when. And I don't like that. But I can lie and say I'm not interested in what could be going on.
I just wish I knew what it was.
And I never felt so alive, and so...dead.
I'm tired, hungry, and in desperate need of a shower. But now is not the time to be weak.
Let the second semester begin.
No walls. Can keep me protected. No sleep. Nothing between me and the rain.
Truthfully, I've felt much stronger as a runner than today. But running figure eights for the first time in weeks really helps my mental health. I've been backed up against a wall for the past few weeks, and getting to pound out a few hills seems to have started to clear my mind. I forget how amazing it is to wake up and listen to the birds, smell the grass. Watch the sun rise in the distance as it paints the sky with miraculous colors that only an artist could dream of.
And you can't save me now. I'm in the grip of a hurricane. I'm gonna blow myself away.
And it's a strange feeling, watching the others hustle around you to get ready for school. It's weird merging with the morning rush to go home for a little while. Late arrival won't be with me for very long, but it's intoxicating poison has already started seeping into my bloodstream. I better see my counselor soon!
And now I'm getting hungry...
I brace myself. Cause I know it's going to hurt. But I'd like to think, at least things can't get any worse.
For now, I'm content. I'm alright. I can see dust on the horizon starting to bounce and swirl with activity. I know there is something coming. I just don't know what. Or when. And I don't like that. But I can lie and say I'm not interested in what could be going on.
I just wish I knew what it was.
And I never felt so alive, and so...dead.
I'm tired, hungry, and in desperate need of a shower. But now is not the time to be weak.
Let the second semester begin.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Finally.
How amazing does it feel to lay between these sheets at night? Just how great is it to not have the thought of waking up to an alarm in the morning on your mind?
I'm going to sleep ridiculously easy tonight. Let's just say that.
An amazing way to end one's day would have to be staring at the stars. I'm sure there are many opinions on how someone would love to waste away the last hours of the current date, but mine would be laying under a blanket of constellations. Being able to feel the evening chill, and go to bed dirty with stardust, smelling like the nighttime air. It's addicting.
There is so much more to write about. I just know it. But my tired mind cannot be at ease until my head hits the pillow. Once I achieve that rhythmic breathing, that smooth movement with my arms under my pillow and the blankets perfectly trapped around me, I will fall backwards into a state of quiet. I will finally submit to days of need and want to sleep.
I'll be writing more soon.
And for the first time ever. I get to turn on my iTunes. Prop my head on my pillows...
And watch Band of Brothers. As much as I want.
The day has finally come.
*I'm halfway to seventeen today!*
I'm going to sleep ridiculously easy tonight. Let's just say that.
An amazing way to end one's day would have to be staring at the stars. I'm sure there are many opinions on how someone would love to waste away the last hours of the current date, but mine would be laying under a blanket of constellations. Being able to feel the evening chill, and go to bed dirty with stardust, smelling like the nighttime air. It's addicting.
There is so much more to write about. I just know it. But my tired mind cannot be at ease until my head hits the pillow. Once I achieve that rhythmic breathing, that smooth movement with my arms under my pillow and the blankets perfectly trapped around me, I will fall backwards into a state of quiet. I will finally submit to days of need and want to sleep.
I'll be writing more soon.
And for the first time ever. I get to turn on my iTunes. Prop my head on my pillows...
And watch Band of Brothers. As much as I want.
The day has finally come.
*I'm halfway to seventeen today!*
Friday, January 15, 2010
The Light. The Heat.
The lights look like fire on the street.
I stared out of my fogged windshield in wonder, my passenger falling fast asleep. The world sped by as each golden glow reflected off of the puddles below. Thick melodies seeped from my speakers. I was lulled into a trance of driving and wonder. It felt like an honor to be graced with such a perfect night.
As the number of occupants in my car reduces to one, I'm fully under this sea of black and stars. My eyes are swimming, my heart slowing to the drip of the rain outside. Almost no one on the road. I'm all alone. Nothing but the dark world around me. I'm so calm. Singing music like I was meant to. Gripping my steering wheel so hard, pressing my thoughts and feelings into the leather. Leaning on the gas like it's a drug, and I'm it's addict.
My mind is reeling.
And simply because it's raining outside.
I will lay down in my bed tonight and dream of things that dance through my head. Fleeting thoughts and moments that make my body jerk and jump. Make me sweat like ice and my eyes all cold.
I'll part the blinds with my fingers and stare into the sky. Watch the droplets cover the rooftops and cascade down the edges.
Dazed and crazed. Used and confused.
I'll be hypnotized by the night.
Again.
I stared out of my fogged windshield in wonder, my passenger falling fast asleep. The world sped by as each golden glow reflected off of the puddles below. Thick melodies seeped from my speakers. I was lulled into a trance of driving and wonder. It felt like an honor to be graced with such a perfect night.
As the number of occupants in my car reduces to one, I'm fully under this sea of black and stars. My eyes are swimming, my heart slowing to the drip of the rain outside. Almost no one on the road. I'm all alone. Nothing but the dark world around me. I'm so calm. Singing music like I was meant to. Gripping my steering wheel so hard, pressing my thoughts and feelings into the leather. Leaning on the gas like it's a drug, and I'm it's addict.
My mind is reeling.
And simply because it's raining outside.
I will lay down in my bed tonight and dream of things that dance through my head. Fleeting thoughts and moments that make my body jerk and jump. Make me sweat like ice and my eyes all cold.
I'll part the blinds with my fingers and stare into the sky. Watch the droplets cover the rooftops and cascade down the edges.
Dazed and crazed. Used and confused.
I'll be hypnotized by the night.
Again.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Downfall Of Us All.
I lied. This ship is going down heavier than before. Not at the house though.
All systems seem to be go here.
No, inside I'm torn apart. Someone has come around inside me with a huge knife and sliced up everything. I'm bleeding from the inside out now. I'm grasping my stomach. I'm feeling the hot pooling in my palm. The searing pain.
And I've caused all of it. I'm the one doing the destruction.
I'm so damn tired of it all.
I regret nothing. The learning part of life is definitely something not to be sorry for.
But the feeling sorry and apologetic. It's starting to wash over me. And I'm feeling sick.
Because I'm still not clear on the logistics of the situation.
And this is not a self pity post. This is a way of letting out emotion.
So shut it.
I want to crawl into bed. Curl up and hold my blanket tight. Shut my eyes hard and fall limp into that nightly coma.
The dreams are gone again.
Again.
* And yes. I do sleep with a blanket. I'm not in the mood for ridicule.
But then again. I forget that no one really reads this.
All systems seem to be go here.
No, inside I'm torn apart. Someone has come around inside me with a huge knife and sliced up everything. I'm bleeding from the inside out now. I'm grasping my stomach. I'm feeling the hot pooling in my palm. The searing pain.
And I've caused all of it. I'm the one doing the destruction.
I'm so damn tired of it all.
I regret nothing. The learning part of life is definitely something not to be sorry for.
But the feeling sorry and apologetic. It's starting to wash over me. And I'm feeling sick.
Because I'm still not clear on the logistics of the situation.
And this is not a self pity post. This is a way of letting out emotion.
So shut it.
I want to crawl into bed. Curl up and hold my blanket tight. Shut my eyes hard and fall limp into that nightly coma.
The dreams are gone again.
Again.
* And yes. I do sleep with a blanket. I'm not in the mood for ridicule.
But then again. I forget that no one really reads this.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
In Light of Recent Events..
The blood of Thursday night has been washed away by night after night of coffee. Nothing stained, no marks or scars left like usual. It's quite a different situation than normal.
Starbucks has sort of become a haven for discussion over things not usually easy to talk about. But it makes things much easier for some reason.
We step out of the Cinemark, after an amazing Youth In Revolt, and sprint to the car. The decision to go for hot drinks is inevitable - why else would I have gotten a fifty dollar gift card to the caffine capital of the world? But sitting down in front of a steaming skinny vanilla late and a beautifully frosted vanilla bean cupcake seems to pull the truth out of me. My ex-boyfriend is so typical in what he gets..but I don't mind. A big chocolate chunk brownie and peppermint late doesn't miff me at all.
It's just extremely nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't shoot straight to judgement. He kind of analyzes, and then in his boyish way, makes a trite remark or something that gives me a ticket to punch him in the shoulder or laugh out loud.
We both realize that we're like brother and sister now. So talking about everything has gotten about ten times better.
After spending all day at the barn yesterday, I felt very unfufilled. I felt like I was kind of isolated from everyone for that one Friday at school. And Monday seems like an eternity away just so I can see everybody again. Attachment is a funny thing.
On the flip side - I was tagged about four times in one of those '25 random facts' facebook notes...which I don't normally respond to. But last night just felt like a good night for writing. So I buckled down and summoned up 25 things about myself. And here they are:
1. I never, ever do these things...but today seems like a good day to do one.
2. Writing is one of my greatest passions.
3. I will try anything and everything - when it comes to food :]
4. Family and friends are my world. End of story.
5. Why yes, I do make random noises and awkard movements like that all the time.
6. I won a blue ribbon today at the county ag. mechanics show!
7. One of my life goals is to travel the world with the person/people I love most.
8. No one in my family has eyes like mine.
9. Great photography [black and white photos] get me every time.
10. I'm an extremely passionate person. I'm a hopeless romantic and a sap for falling in love.
11. Music is amazing. I love playing my acoustic guitar.
12.Running is an incredible feeling, and to be able to do it with great friends [dea, keri, danielle, brittany, shushma, garrett, cale, colin, etc.] is just awesome in itself.
13. I hope to one day live in Boulder, Colorado.
14. Loyalty and trust are everything to me. Give me that and you'll have me forever.
15. I would spend every day in a pair of jeans, a v-neck, and toms if I could.
16. When I grow up...I'm going to be my cross country coach.
17. Destin, Frisco, and Oak Creek are three places that mean a lot to me.
18. Junior year has definately been really eye opening for me...so far.
19. I love meeting people out on the highway and giving out my number to them [devin, keri, dea?]
20. I'm not extremely religious. But I'm catholic. And this cross and horn around my neck mean a lot to me.
21. I plan to take as many road trips as possible before I leave home. With multiple people. Out to camp. Up to the mountains. Over to the lake. Anywhere where I can be with friends and have a great time.
22. The little things make me extremely happy.
23. I have four homecoming mums on my bedroom wall. But I'm only a junior.
24. My nightstand consists of various things, including a 'clean laundry' candle, a change cup from Paciugo, a lime green iHome, lightening mcqueen, a flash drive, chapstick, a pair of dice, and two chocolate coins.
25. Make memmories with me, and I'll remember them forever. No matter what they are.
It's me in a nutshell pretty much. There is a lot more to me, but there is only so many things you can say with twenty five random facts, you know? All of them are the straight up truth though. Everything is right. I really do love to run. I really want to drive away from time to time. I really am going to become my cross country coach when I graduate from college.
One year from now, things are going to be completely different. It's going to be weird to look back and laugh at what my sixteenth year of life really brought me.
I just can't wait to see what it looks like from behind the cap and gown.
Starbucks has sort of become a haven for discussion over things not usually easy to talk about. But it makes things much easier for some reason.
We step out of the Cinemark, after an amazing Youth In Revolt, and sprint to the car. The decision to go for hot drinks is inevitable - why else would I have gotten a fifty dollar gift card to the caffine capital of the world? But sitting down in front of a steaming skinny vanilla late and a beautifully frosted vanilla bean cupcake seems to pull the truth out of me. My ex-boyfriend is so typical in what he gets..but I don't mind. A big chocolate chunk brownie and peppermint late doesn't miff me at all.
It's just extremely nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't shoot straight to judgement. He kind of analyzes, and then in his boyish way, makes a trite remark or something that gives me a ticket to punch him in the shoulder or laugh out loud.
We both realize that we're like brother and sister now. So talking about everything has gotten about ten times better.
After spending all day at the barn yesterday, I felt very unfufilled. I felt like I was kind of isolated from everyone for that one Friday at school. And Monday seems like an eternity away just so I can see everybody again. Attachment is a funny thing.
On the flip side - I was tagged about four times in one of those '25 random facts' facebook notes...which I don't normally respond to. But last night just felt like a good night for writing. So I buckled down and summoned up 25 things about myself. And here they are:
1. I never, ever do these things...but today seems like a good day to do one.
2. Writing is one of my greatest passions.
3. I will try anything and everything - when it comes to food :]
4. Family and friends are my world. End of story.
5. Why yes, I do make random noises and awkard movements like that all the time.
6. I won a blue ribbon today at the county ag. mechanics show!
7. One of my life goals is to travel the world with the person/people I love most.
8. No one in my family has eyes like mine.
9. Great photography [black and white photos] get me every time.
10. I'm an extremely passionate person. I'm a hopeless romantic and a sap for falling in love.
11. Music is amazing. I love playing my acoustic guitar.
12.Running is an incredible feeling, and to be able to do it with great friends [dea, keri, danielle, brittany, shushma, garrett, cale, colin, etc.] is just awesome in itself.
13. I hope to one day live in Boulder, Colorado.
14. Loyalty and trust are everything to me. Give me that and you'll have me forever.
15. I would spend every day in a pair of jeans, a v-neck, and toms if I could.
16. When I grow up...I'm going to be my cross country coach.
17. Destin, Frisco, and Oak Creek are three places that mean a lot to me.
18. Junior year has definately been really eye opening for me...so far.
19. I love meeting people out on the highway and giving out my number to them [devin, keri, dea?]
20. I'm not extremely religious. But I'm catholic. And this cross and horn around my neck mean a lot to me.
21. I plan to take as many road trips as possible before I leave home. With multiple people. Out to camp. Up to the mountains. Over to the lake. Anywhere where I can be with friends and have a great time.
22. The little things make me extremely happy.
23. I have four homecoming mums on my bedroom wall. But I'm only a junior.
24. My nightstand consists of various things, including a 'clean laundry' candle, a change cup from Paciugo, a lime green iHome, lightening mcqueen, a flash drive, chapstick, a pair of dice, and two chocolate coins.
25. Make memmories with me, and I'll remember them forever. No matter what they are.
It's me in a nutshell pretty much. There is a lot more to me, but there is only so many things you can say with twenty five random facts, you know? All of them are the straight up truth though. Everything is right. I really do love to run. I really want to drive away from time to time. I really am going to become my cross country coach when I graduate from college.
One year from now, things are going to be completely different. It's going to be weird to look back and laugh at what my sixteenth year of life really brought me.
I just can't wait to see what it looks like from behind the cap and gown.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Missing the Split.
Kicked. In the stomach. Once. Twice. One more time.
Hot, crimson blood seeps from the thin spaces between my teeth. It drips from my lips, down my chin. I dab it with my hand and feel my chest for any pain. Just blow after blow. I'm seeing these flashing lights and I'm confused out of my mind. I look up and see flourescence glaring down at me, flickering with their nasty hum and crackle.
"Coke okay?" I hear a distant voice say. "And what are you doing at the sock dispenser?"
I return to sudden reality and realize where I actually am. I'm staring into the glass, kids and men's socks ready for purchase in front of my nose. [of couse there would be no women's socks.]
"Coke is perfectly fine," I reply with a slight smile.
Bowling has become a weekend sort of ritual nowadays. I don't know why. It seems like such a simple form of entertainment though.
Throwing all too many gutters, with the occasional spare, strike, and open frame peppered in. I'm only so good as to beat the last place boy by about two or three points both games. But I'm getting a good laugh out of it, and the Alabama/Texas game is on in the background. So I'm a very happy camper.
But the shakiness still occurs.
Oh. And Danny manages to get Coke on my jeans while trying to be a gentleman and fill my styrofoam cup up with drink. Valiant? Well. It was a try.
I get up, and walk away. There's still that iron-y taste in my mouth. I need to brush my teeth, because they're tinted a tad bit, the color of mashed strawberries.
No marks left from the kicks. Just a scratch or two.
Nothing I've never dealt with before.
Hot, crimson blood seeps from the thin spaces between my teeth. It drips from my lips, down my chin. I dab it with my hand and feel my chest for any pain. Just blow after blow. I'm seeing these flashing lights and I'm confused out of my mind. I look up and see flourescence glaring down at me, flickering with their nasty hum and crackle.
"Coke okay?" I hear a distant voice say. "And what are you doing at the sock dispenser?"
I return to sudden reality and realize where I actually am. I'm staring into the glass, kids and men's socks ready for purchase in front of my nose. [of couse there would be no women's socks.]
"Coke is perfectly fine," I reply with a slight smile.
Bowling has become a weekend sort of ritual nowadays. I don't know why. It seems like such a simple form of entertainment though.
Throwing all too many gutters, with the occasional spare, strike, and open frame peppered in. I'm only so good as to beat the last place boy by about two or three points both games. But I'm getting a good laugh out of it, and the Alabama/Texas game is on in the background. So I'm a very happy camper.
But the shakiness still occurs.
Oh. And Danny manages to get Coke on my jeans while trying to be a gentleman and fill my styrofoam cup up with drink. Valiant? Well. It was a try.
I get up, and walk away. There's still that iron-y taste in my mouth. I need to brush my teeth, because they're tinted a tad bit, the color of mashed strawberries.
No marks left from the kicks. Just a scratch or two.
Nothing I've never dealt with before.
Snake-Robinson's Cousin is Insanely Bored.
Absolutely no school today. And I am completely miffed at the situation.
There is nothing to do..
I'm so bored.
I got woken up at 8:30 this morning..and I've been out of bed ever since...except for now.
I've always wondered what it would feel like to blog while in bed.
Well. Now I know. And it is extremely lovely, might I add.
The roads are completely bone dry out there now. I'm so dissapointed that we didn't just have a half day.
I'm so ready to just go out and do whatever. I want to go to ikea. I want to watch movies and listen to music and laugh with friends. I want to just go out.
Worst. Snow day. Ever. haha
There is nothing to do..
I'm so bored.
I got woken up at 8:30 this morning..and I've been out of bed ever since...except for now.
I've always wondered what it would feel like to blog while in bed.
Well. Now I know. And it is extremely lovely, might I add.
The roads are completely bone dry out there now. I'm so dissapointed that we didn't just have a half day.
I'm so ready to just go out and do whatever. I want to go to ikea. I want to watch movies and listen to music and laugh with friends. I want to just go out.
Worst. Snow day. Ever. haha
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The General Wants and Needs.
I WANT THERE TO BE PRACTICE TOMORROW.
Yes, I apologize to all of you who have been texting me, wondering if we have or don't have practice, but who wants to start their mileage alone?
Er. Not me.
I know it's going to be freezing outside. Yes, I understand it's going to be under twenty degrees. And there may be ice. Or harsh winds. But. I. Don't. Care.
I want to run. I want to start my day off right. Without it, I'm kind of lost.
I'm wondering if I have homework. And I'm guessing I probably do.
But I have no desire or motivation to get such things done. No, instead I'll be laying here and staying cold. Contemplating jumping in the bath and drawing pictures. Or drawing on my arm...
But seriously. I should be getting this all done..haha.
We're talking about painting the walls. I've already painted the walls in my sister's room. Chalkboard wall, a Famous 'F' and freehand graffiti to match. I want a chalkboard wall as well, and some black and white artistic designs on the other walls. I want Harold and the Purple Crayon purple chalk to draw on my walls and write my things. That would be amazing.
And tomorrow is my last day at school this week. Because I'll be gone all day to Meyers Park to show the fireplace grate I made for FFA. And I know this is going to sound extra dorky, but I'm really excited to go. I really hope I place. But I doubt it.
So many things. Every day is a new challenge. A new journey. New wants and needs.
Yes, I have some angst. But I'm a teenager. It happens.
I've realized that school really isn't that bad, it's just tiring, and that being at home isn't so bad either. Everything is just really...slow.
Running makes my life just a little faster.
I'm lost and confused. I'm dazed and crazed. I'm content and amazed.
I am what I've always aimed to be.
Insane but happy.
PS - There is no practice tomorrow. I am devestated. haha
Yes, I apologize to all of you who have been texting me, wondering if we have or don't have practice, but who wants to start their mileage alone?
Er. Not me.
I know it's going to be freezing outside. Yes, I understand it's going to be under twenty degrees. And there may be ice. Or harsh winds. But. I. Don't. Care.
I want to run. I want to start my day off right. Without it, I'm kind of lost.
I'm wondering if I have homework. And I'm guessing I probably do.
But I have no desire or motivation to get such things done. No, instead I'll be laying here and staying cold. Contemplating jumping in the bath and drawing pictures. Or drawing on my arm...
But seriously. I should be getting this all done..haha.
We're talking about painting the walls. I've already painted the walls in my sister's room. Chalkboard wall, a Famous 'F' and freehand graffiti to match. I want a chalkboard wall as well, and some black and white artistic designs on the other walls. I want Harold and the Purple Crayon purple chalk to draw on my walls and write my things. That would be amazing.
And tomorrow is my last day at school this week. Because I'll be gone all day to Meyers Park to show the fireplace grate I made for FFA. And I know this is going to sound extra dorky, but I'm really excited to go. I really hope I place. But I doubt it.
So many things. Every day is a new challenge. A new journey. New wants and needs.
Yes, I have some angst. But I'm a teenager. It happens.
I've realized that school really isn't that bad, it's just tiring, and that being at home isn't so bad either. Everything is just really...slow.
Running makes my life just a little faster.
I'm lost and confused. I'm dazed and crazed. I'm content and amazed.
I am what I've always aimed to be.
Insane but happy.
PS - There is no practice tomorrow. I am devestated. haha
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Off The Map.
I really, really should be doing my floral project right now.
Yes. But it's extremely hard to focus when you have such a blowoff class fourth period [plus someone as distracting as Katie sitting next to you]. And as I 'work' on this final exam project, I start to wonder why did I take this class anyway? I suppose getting to go to the CTE center was really my main goal. But it's not that big of a deal. It wasn't that bad of a course, and besides, who wouldn't want to be here anyway? It's much too much fun to pass up.
I'm really looking forward to practice tomorrow morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really hating the fact it's going to be somewhere under twenty degrees. But I'm getting to run with the people I enjoy it most with, and that's all that matters. Cross country has really been a blessing to me, I swear. It really makes my day every once in awhile.
I'm already shivering...that's what you get for choosing the mac next to the windows for the year.
That's right. I'm blogging on a mac. AGAIN!
I'm an extremely lucky girl.
What I wouldn't do for one.
Wow. I really should be doing this project. Everyone [well most everyone] has something to do with it. I mean, I have done my fair share of work on this devilish thing, but really now? I can't stand working on excel sheets for more than ten minutes. My attention span isn't that great. I'd much rather be running. Or taking pictures. Or blogging. Thank goodness FISD hasn't blocked blogger. I'd be going mad right about now.
I know I'm strange, but I've never felt this weird before. I've got this horrid itching feeling in my bones. Like I need to do something. Like I need to go. I need to drive.
That's it. I need to go out on the road. I need a road trip.
Because nothing settles me more than the hum of tires on asphalt and swaying grass on the sides of highways and byways. A long days worth of driving with friends would do wonders on me right about now.
I'm all over the place today, aren't I? And I could make this post last forever, I'm serious. I've got another thirty minutes in this class. That kills me. A lot of things these days are.
Still no luck on this project...
This is going to be a problem.
I'll never be a floral designer anyway.
I'll be a coach. A cross country coach. One with a tricked out golf cart and special guest coaches [friends from previous teams]. One that lives up north. One that is relaxed and care free.
But until those days.
I'm still here.
In the mac lab.
I know what I want to do ;]
Yes. But it's extremely hard to focus when you have such a blowoff class fourth period [plus someone as distracting as Katie sitting next to you]. And as I 'work' on this final exam project, I start to wonder why did I take this class anyway? I suppose getting to go to the CTE center was really my main goal. But it's not that big of a deal. It wasn't that bad of a course, and besides, who wouldn't want to be here anyway? It's much too much fun to pass up.
I'm really looking forward to practice tomorrow morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really hating the fact it's going to be somewhere under twenty degrees. But I'm getting to run with the people I enjoy it most with, and that's all that matters. Cross country has really been a blessing to me, I swear. It really makes my day every once in awhile.
I'm already shivering...that's what you get for choosing the mac next to the windows for the year.
That's right. I'm blogging on a mac. AGAIN!
I'm an extremely lucky girl.
What I wouldn't do for one.
Wow. I really should be doing this project. Everyone [well most everyone] has something to do with it. I mean, I have done my fair share of work on this devilish thing, but really now? I can't stand working on excel sheets for more than ten minutes. My attention span isn't that great. I'd much rather be running. Or taking pictures. Or blogging. Thank goodness FISD hasn't blocked blogger. I'd be going mad right about now.
I know I'm strange, but I've never felt this weird before. I've got this horrid itching feeling in my bones. Like I need to do something. Like I need to go. I need to drive.
That's it. I need to go out on the road. I need a road trip.
Because nothing settles me more than the hum of tires on asphalt and swaying grass on the sides of highways and byways. A long days worth of driving with friends would do wonders on me right about now.
I'm all over the place today, aren't I? And I could make this post last forever, I'm serious. I've got another thirty minutes in this class. That kills me. A lot of things these days are.
Still no luck on this project...
This is going to be a problem.
I'll never be a floral designer anyway.
I'll be a coach. A cross country coach. One with a tricked out golf cart and special guest coaches [friends from previous teams]. One that lives up north. One that is relaxed and care free.
But until those days.
I'm still here.
In the mac lab.
I know what I want to do ;]
Monday, January 4, 2010
A Dusty Cold.
There was a kind of grittiness to the air this morning as we ran. I've never felt oxygen so grainy. With every breath it was like tiny things dancing on the back of my tongue. The sky was dark and splotchy with every single sunrise color there could be. The bending path covered in patchy, sticky ice and sludge. My, how one misses a morning run.
I believe that the days are just going to get colder and colder. I see spring nowhere in sight. Which isn't really a bad thing. But it also isn't awesome. This biting cold is getting everywhere around me. It lays on me in the night. Shakes my bones during the day. It seems like this track season is going to be a very, very chilly one. I have a feeling that there will be mornings with icy faces and frozen tears. Afternoons at tri-meets with convulsions and loud, obnoxious yelling.
I've been talking futures with my best friend. How we're going to live together in this messed up apartment, with yellow walls and horrible carpeting, trashed and foggy windowed. But it'll be ours. And we'll wake up for class, come back and yawn over our Cup O' Noodles and be thankful to be home sweet home. We'll party and have fun, and I'll carry her to bed when she's unable to do it herself. After we graduate, life is going to be crazy. And I don't know about her, but I'm so so ready for it all.
My insomnia is starting to relax. I'm taking each day in strides. I'm trying my best to keep out of trouble, because it just seems like I'm a magnet for it. I'm ready to get on with the good, get rid of the bad. I'm ready to start this new year with new reputation in this place.
And now I'm spending the night with my insomniac of a sister. Because she's been pacing around and giggling so I suppose something is wrong. Or...she just doesn't feel like sleeping. All I know is that she's lost her love of bacon. [You're not supposed to understand that. Only her and I are.]
I'm going to bed. Going to sleep away into the next day. Going to keep laughing at Gabby. Because she keeps talking about bacon.
Don't ever question. Try to look to the light. Stray from the dark.
*Gabby will not shut up about bacon...
I believe that the days are just going to get colder and colder. I see spring nowhere in sight. Which isn't really a bad thing. But it also isn't awesome. This biting cold is getting everywhere around me. It lays on me in the night. Shakes my bones during the day. It seems like this track season is going to be a very, very chilly one. I have a feeling that there will be mornings with icy faces and frozen tears. Afternoons at tri-meets with convulsions and loud, obnoxious yelling.
I've been talking futures with my best friend. How we're going to live together in this messed up apartment, with yellow walls and horrible carpeting, trashed and foggy windowed. But it'll be ours. And we'll wake up for class, come back and yawn over our Cup O' Noodles and be thankful to be home sweet home. We'll party and have fun, and I'll carry her to bed when she's unable to do it herself. After we graduate, life is going to be crazy. And I don't know about her, but I'm so so ready for it all.
My insomnia is starting to relax. I'm taking each day in strides. I'm trying my best to keep out of trouble, because it just seems like I'm a magnet for it. I'm ready to get on with the good, get rid of the bad. I'm ready to start this new year with new reputation in this place.
And now I'm spending the night with my insomniac of a sister. Because she's been pacing around and giggling so I suppose something is wrong. Or...she just doesn't feel like sleeping. All I know is that she's lost her love of bacon. [You're not supposed to understand that. Only her and I are.]
I'm going to bed. Going to sleep away into the next day. Going to keep laughing at Gabby. Because she keeps talking about bacon.
Don't ever question. Try to look to the light. Stray from the dark.
*Gabby will not shut up about bacon...
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The Clean Slate.
The dissapointment that I did not get a chance to write in my blog on new year's is just so crazy high on my part. Every year I aim to write on new year's eve..and this year I did not.
A feeling of failure.
Sickening.
But it is, amazingly, a new year. The start of a new decade. The countdown to my graduating year.
I'm so completely excited to see what 2010 has to offer me. It started off kind of rough. I remember sitting on that couch, guitar on my knees, looking at my best friend and smiling so big, but feeling so sick inside. I watched that clock count down, me playing my self-figured version of auld lang syne, the other two at the edge of their seats, waiting to lock lips.
Awkward? Eh. No, not really. Just hard to give them privacy when you're about three feet away. Haha.
I spent the first day of the new year out of the house. I didn't feel good. I was sick all day. I took my friend out to breakfast, who had a few beers the night before, and was feeling tired and wanting more alcohol. So I bought him coffee at Starbucks instead. We spent hours just talking. Went to Target, bought my ipod adapter for my car, so now I can play my music through my new infinity golds :]
I want tweeters though. Wow, would that be incredible. The sound on those things....
And beats by dr. dre. Those headphones are fansastic.
Anyway. We drove to the high school. Parked in the parking lot. Talked even more. Walked out to the field. Had a good yell out into the cold blue sky. Then dropped the boy at his house. Said our goodbyes. Drove home. Singing. The whole way there. Tired but thankful for the day's events. And then got taken out by my sissy. She stole me from my house, and we did what we do best: drive around-and talk.
My life is not perfect, this I have definately seen. However, things are improving. I'm doing better. This recovering compulsive is settling down. She's seeing the world through her ever-growing up eyes. And while some things will never change for her, her perspective is constantly evolving.
Like this morning. I woke up pretty early. I rolled over and saw this golden glow from the slats on my blinds. I parted them with my fingers and squinted out. And even though all I could see were smears of colors, it was a great way to see the day at it's rawest. A winter's morning sunrise is so beautiful.
Especially when you get to roll over and go back to bed.
When I finally layed down last night, blanket between comforter between an identical blanket, my itunes did the perfect thing. When I hear John Mayer's cover of Free Fallin' I can't help but relax. It helps me think. Makes me dream.
That's another thing.
I'm dreaming again.
I'm finally dreaming again...
completely amazed. starstruck. dazed and crazed. i'm insane, but whats new, you know? the unknown grants you permission to be unsure. just know that one day it'll end. that feeling of not knowning. one day you'll be sure. death cab for cutie had it so right:
"someday..you will..be loved."
A feeling of failure.
Sickening.
But it is, amazingly, a new year. The start of a new decade. The countdown to my graduating year.
I'm so completely excited to see what 2010 has to offer me. It started off kind of rough. I remember sitting on that couch, guitar on my knees, looking at my best friend and smiling so big, but feeling so sick inside. I watched that clock count down, me playing my self-figured version of auld lang syne, the other two at the edge of their seats, waiting to lock lips.
Awkward? Eh. No, not really. Just hard to give them privacy when you're about three feet away. Haha.
I spent the first day of the new year out of the house. I didn't feel good. I was sick all day. I took my friend out to breakfast, who had a few beers the night before, and was feeling tired and wanting more alcohol. So I bought him coffee at Starbucks instead. We spent hours just talking. Went to Target, bought my ipod adapter for my car, so now I can play my music through my new infinity golds :]
I want tweeters though. Wow, would that be incredible. The sound on those things....
And beats by dr. dre. Those headphones are fansastic.
Anyway. We drove to the high school. Parked in the parking lot. Talked even more. Walked out to the field. Had a good yell out into the cold blue sky. Then dropped the boy at his house. Said our goodbyes. Drove home. Singing. The whole way there. Tired but thankful for the day's events. And then got taken out by my sissy. She stole me from my house, and we did what we do best: drive around-and talk.
My life is not perfect, this I have definately seen. However, things are improving. I'm doing better. This recovering compulsive is settling down. She's seeing the world through her ever-growing up eyes. And while some things will never change for her, her perspective is constantly evolving.
Like this morning. I woke up pretty early. I rolled over and saw this golden glow from the slats on my blinds. I parted them with my fingers and squinted out. And even though all I could see were smears of colors, it was a great way to see the day at it's rawest. A winter's morning sunrise is so beautiful.
Especially when you get to roll over and go back to bed.
When I finally layed down last night, blanket between comforter between an identical blanket, my itunes did the perfect thing. When I hear John Mayer's cover of Free Fallin' I can't help but relax. It helps me think. Makes me dream.
That's another thing.
I'm dreaming again.
I'm finally dreaming again...
completely amazed. starstruck. dazed and crazed. i'm insane, but whats new, you know? the unknown grants you permission to be unsure. just know that one day it'll end. that feeling of not knowning. one day you'll be sure. death cab for cutie had it so right:
"someday..you will..be loved."
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