The Clean Slate.

The dissapointment that I did not get a chance to write in my blog on new year's is just so crazy high on my part. Every year I aim to write on new year's eve..and this year I did not.
A feeling of failure.
Sickening.

But it is, amazingly, a new year. The start of a new decade. The countdown to my graduating year.
I'm so completely excited to see what 2010 has to offer me. It started off kind of rough. I remember sitting on that couch, guitar on my knees, looking at my best friend and smiling so big, but feeling so sick inside. I watched that clock count down, me playing my self-figured version of auld lang syne, the other two at the edge of their seats, waiting to lock lips.
Awkward? Eh. No, not really. Just hard to give them privacy when you're about three feet away. Haha.

I spent the first day of the new year out of the house. I didn't feel good. I was sick all day. I took my friend out to breakfast, who had a few beers the night before, and was feeling tired and wanting more alcohol. So I bought him coffee at Starbucks instead. We spent hours just talking. Went to Target, bought my ipod adapter for my car, so now I can play my music through my new infinity golds :]
I want tweeters though. Wow, would that be incredible. The sound on those things....
And beats by dr. dre. Those headphones are fansastic.

Anyway. We drove to the high school. Parked in the parking lot. Talked even more. Walked out to the field. Had a good yell out into the cold blue sky. Then dropped the boy at his house. Said our goodbyes. Drove home. Singing. The whole way there. Tired but thankful for the day's events. And then got taken out by my sissy. She stole me from my house, and we did what we do best: drive around-and talk.

My life is not perfect, this I have definately seen. However, things are improving. I'm doing better. This recovering compulsive is settling down. She's seeing the world through her ever-growing up eyes. And while some things will never change for her, her perspective is constantly evolving.
Like this morning. I woke up pretty early. I rolled over and saw this golden glow from the slats on my blinds. I parted them with my fingers and squinted out. And even though all I could see were smears of colors, it was a great way to see the day at it's rawest. A winter's morning sunrise is so beautiful.
Especially when you get to roll over and go back to bed.

When I finally layed down last night, blanket between comforter between an identical blanket, my itunes did the perfect thing. When I hear John Mayer's cover of Free Fallin' I can't help but relax. It helps me think. Makes me dream.

That's another thing.
I'm dreaming again.
I'm finally dreaming again...

completely amazed. starstruck. dazed and crazed. i'm insane, but whats new, you know? the unknown grants you permission to be unsure. just know that one day it'll end. that feeling of not knowning. one day you'll be sure. death cab for cutie had it so right:
                       "someday..you will..be loved."